


Delayed response

by the5leggedCricket



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Correspondence, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Loneliness, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 04:07:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12050985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the5leggedCricket/pseuds/the5leggedCricket
Summary: Arthur closes himself off from his only friend to deal with his personal issues.





	1. The last email

**Author's Note:**

> You deserve to be Merlin just this once. X

_ Merlin, _

_ Sorry for the slow reply. In fact, it’s not even a proper reply, and the next one will be even slower. I need some time. It’s probably going to be a little while. I need to work through some stuff—yes,  _ that _ stuff—and I need to do it alone. You’ll be the first person to hear about it once I’m done, but until then, it’s no use messaging me. Sorry. I hope you understand. _

_ Arthur _

Arthur hit ‘send’ and moved his computer mouse to hover over the ‘log out’ button. He shook his head. This was useless. Tomorrow, he’d have forgotten all about his resolve. The moment he would feel come home from work, he would go running to Merlin again for comfort.

There was no choice. He had to delete his account. He only used this one to message Merlin, so if he did what he intended to do, he wouldn’t be using it anyway. If he really was going to take this seriously, he  _ had _ to do it alone. And it would take a while. People didn’t change their personalities overnight. Even if he got through tomorrow, what about the day after, or the week, or the month?

Arthur wasn’t like Merlin; he wasn’t strong, he couldn’t not give into his desires when he was at his weakest. So he had to make himself. Take away the temptation.

He grabbed a piece of paper and a biro, writing out Merlin’s email address. The letters were jumbling together and even though Arthur was sure that he would never forget the address, he didn’t want  to run the risk that, on the off chance that he would have forgotten it after all by the time he was ready to email Merlin again, he would have trouble reading the sloppy words. He tore the paper in two and started again, concentrating on each letter. Once he was satisfied that the letters were as clear as possible, he folded it in two and hid it in a small case at the bottom of his drawer. Then he grabbed the computer mouse again, and with a couple of clicks, deleted his account.

Arthur took a shaky breath. Sweat was pooling in his hands and doubt creeping into his mind. The finality sunk into his stomach and coiled there, settling in for the long haul. He swallowed and shut off his computer.

It was for the best. He had to believe that. He couldn’t be trusted. This was the only way that he would keep his promise. Don’t email Merlin before he had turned into an improved version of this shallow shell.


	2. Office life

“You have one job, Pendragon. Deliver me the correct papers on time.”   
  
Arthur averted his eyes,  not being able to bear the look of contempt in Cenred’s eyes.   
  
“So why is it when I had a very important meeting with Morgause, there were no papers whatsoever on my desk and I looked like a fool?”   
  
Arthur opened his mouth to defend himself, but Cenred had a glint in his eyes that reminded Arthur of all the previous times when Arthur had spoken up. Cenred always found a way to twist them into something to go complain about at HR.   
  
Behind him, Sofia snorted and muttered, “Imbecile,” and Arthur flinched.   
  
When he told Merlin about this, he would surely threaten to come over and give her a piece of his mind. And Cenred, too, while he was at it. Arthur loved it when he got all defensive; it made him feel protected and cared for.   
  
But no, he couldn’t. It was what he always did. Complain and complain about his miserable life. He couldn’t let himself fall back on Merlin, or he would never change.   
  
So, banishing all thoughts about Merlin, Arthur dug his nails into his arm and nodded at Cenred. “Next time I’ll do better, sir.”   
  
Cenred huffed. “You’d better. Next meeting is in an hour; make sure everyone gets a copy of my presentation.”   
  
He stormed off and Arthur swallowed. He had already given Cenred those copies as well, but apparently they, too, had disappeared.   
  
A hand brushed over his arm. Gwen was stood behind him, offering him a coffee. “I’ll help you staple them.”   
  
Arthur suppressed a sigh and muttered a, “Thank you,” unable to stop from wishing he could tell Merlin about another shitty day at work and let Merlin comfort him.   



	3. Giraffes

Arthur  leaned against the wall at the entrance of the zoo, trying to look like he belonged while surreptitiously glancing at his watch. 11AM. An hour had passed since he’d arrived. Owain was a no-show.   
  
Arthur wrung his hands. Should he go home or stay by himself? He didn’t think he could handle the train ride back yet, his defences brought low by the bustle of the ride here and being stood up. And it would be a waste of energy and money if he didn’t go in.   
  
He inhaled deeply. He had to at least try. Half an hour and he could go home with the knowledge that he had at least been inside and seen an animal or two.   
  
He braced himself and went in.   
  
As soon as he stepped through the gate, he saw the enormous masses of people and wanted to turn back around. Why had he decided to come on a sunny Saturday afternoon anyway? He clenched his fists and heaved a breath.   
  
“Come on,” he muttered. “You can do this.”   
  
He exhaled and continued on the pathway. The gravel crunched beneath his shoes and he focused on that sound. As long as he concentrate on that sound, something he could predict and had control over, he wouldn’t get overwhelmed by the shrieks that rang through the air at random intervals.   
  
Arthur was so fixated by the soothing rhythm of his footfalls that he forgot to stop and watch the animals. It wasn’t until he walked by the giraffes that he was pulled out of his focus.   
  
Merlin loved giraffes. Couldn’t shut up about them, or his 25 giraffe plushies. Arthur stared at them now, trying to discern the reason for Merlin’s obsession. They were munching on the leaves of a tree that was placed just beyond their enclosure, necks stretched to reach the closest branches. They didn’t seem to notice the people that were trying to attract their attention, or the flashes of parents photographing their kids with one of the giraffes in the background. They were just being.   
  
Arthur could feel a sense of calm coming over him. The giraffes seemed to be so at rest that it felt near impossible not to let go of his worries.   
  
Then there was a push in his back and he had to scramble to stay upright. He just caught a glimpse of the kid that had bumped into it when it fell to the ground. It started wailing and some toddler in the vicinity picked up on it, crying along. The sounds pierced Arthur’s eardrums. They were impossible to block out anymore.   
  
Now people were staring at him, too, with accusing eyes. He backed up, but the eyes followed him. He stumbled over a stray branch and almost fell as well. He turned on his heels, and hurried towards the exit. Still the eyes were following him. Everywhere he walked, people seemed to gawk at the man who couldn’t even handle being in a zoo.   
  
It wasn’t until he hopped on the train and the doors closed him off from the outside world that he was alone, again.   
  
Arthur huddled in the back seat, mentally composing his next email to Merlin. Merlin would reassure him that people hadn’t been staring at him. And even if they did, what was it to Arthur? He’d agree that Owain was an ass for standing Arthur up, and offer to come with him the next time. And Arthur would let himself believe it, even though they hadn’t met in real life even once, didn’t even know where the other lived. He would believe it, because this was Merlin, and if anyone knew what to do, it was him.   
  
Only, he couldn’t do that anymore, could he? He couldn’t email Merlin at all, because right now he wasn’t deserving of his friendship. He was a leech, not a friend. And he couldn’t ever email Merlin again until he was as good a friend to Merlin as Merlin was to him.


	4. Blood is thicker than water

The door of the pub opened. With the click-clack of her heels following her, Morgana made her way over to Arthur’s table.   
  
She gave him a kiss on the cheek and pulled out the chair in front of him. Not even taking off her jacket, Morgana sat down.   
  
“What is it you wanted to meet up for?”   
  
Arthur gestured at his wine glass. “Do you want something to drink?”   
  
Morgana waved with her hand and tapped her watch. “I can’t stay long. Leon is waiting for me.”   
  
Arthur shrugged. “Okay, erm, well. I’m not sure how to say this, but I need to get an MRI scan. The doctors are worried about my heart.”   
  
Morgana blinked. “I know.”   
  
Arthur waited, sure there was more coming.   
  
When Morgana realised that Arthur wasn’t going to say anything else, she shrugged. “Chances are they won’t find anything. I wouldn’t worry too much.” She glanced at her watch. “Sorry, I really can’t stay. Leon will start to wonder what’s keeping me. If that was all…”   
  
Arthur nodded, lost for words. There was a lump in his throat.   
  
Morgana got up and kissed his cheek again. Without another word, she left.   
  
Arthur stared at his wine, furiously swallowing. There was a hand on his shoulder and, when he looked up, the guy who had been sitting at the table next to Arthur’s was taking the seat Morgana had just vacated.   
  
The man dropped his hand and smiled. “I’m Gwaine. Want another one of those?” He motioned to the glass Arthur was clutching.   
  
Surprised, Arthur shook his head.   
  
“I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation. I figured you could use some more alcohol, maybe even someone to listen to your story…”   
  
Arthur balked. Was this guy seriously trying to flirt with Arthur when he was so obviously in a vulnerable position? Gone was his sadness, left to be replaced with a cold anger. He stood up and looked down at Gwaine.   
  
“You should be ashamed of yourself,” Arthur said, and stalked out the door. He didn’t stop until he reached his apartment.   
  
The first thing he did once he was inside, was turning on his computer. He bit his nails. The moment his screen had finished loading, Arthur clicked towards his email. He typed in the address and password, but to his surprise an error message appeared.  _ The email address or password you entered is not valid. _

Of course. Arthur let his head drop to his desk. He let out a breath, and he didn’t know whether it was in relief or disappointment.   
  
He’d wanted to tell Merlin all about how Morgana had stopped caring for him ever since she started dating Leon. How she took so much after Uther, both obsessed with something, and forgetting about the world beyond their obsession. How before Leon, Arthur had been her obsession, and how much Arthur missed that attention, the feeling of mattering, of being unconditionally cared for. How his family was fucked up, but how he didn’t know what to do without them. How to  _ not _ try and fit in beside their obsession.   
  
He really really wanted to tell Merlin.   
  
But.   
  
He already had. Over and over and over again. Merlin already knew everything. And told him the same thing every single time. Told Arthur that his family didn’t deserve him. That Arthur needed to find people who would love and respect him for who he was and wouldn’t shove him aside when they found some shiny new object. That Merlin already did.   
  
Arthur finally let loose the tears.   



	5. Hunith

Arthur stepped out of the elevator. To his surprise his father’s secretary wasn’t at her desk.   
  
Now that she wasn’t there to tell him, he didn’t know if he could enter his father’s office or not, or what mood he would be in. Bracing himself, Arthur knocked on his father’s door.   
  
“Enter.”   
  
Arthur pushed open the door and was relieved to find Uther looking pensive rather than angry.   
  
“Where’s Hunith?” he risked asking.   
  
“What a coincidence you’d ask. Her son has died. She’s been my PA for long enough to deserve a handwritten card, wishing her strength in this trying time and whatnot. That’s what I called you here for, actually. You need to write the card. I don’t have time for that sort of thing, especially now that I have to do without PA, and your handwriting is close enough to mine that she’ll never notice the difference.”   
  
Arthur stared at his father.   
  
Uther grabbed a card and pushed it in Arthur’s hands. “Here, the memorial card. That has all the information you could possibly need on it.”   
  
As soon as Arthur took the card, Uther seemed to forget all about him.   
  
Arthur left, clutching the card. He stopped at Hunith’s desk to read the card.   
  
_ In loving memory of _ _   
_ _ Merlin Emrys _ _   
_ _ who died on _ _   
_ _ 10th September 2017 _ _   
_ _ aged 21 years _ _   
_ _ Rest in peace _ _   
_ _   
_ _ \------- _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Pick a star on the dark horizon _ _   
_ _ and follow the light _ _   
_ _ You’ll come back when it’s over _ _   
_ _ No need to say goodbye _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Let your memories grow stronger and stronger _ _   
_ _ until they’re before your eyes _ _   
_ _ You’ll come back _ _   
_ _ when they call you _ _   
_ __ No need to say goodbye.   



	6. Epilogue

_Dear Merlin,_ _  
_ _  
_ _It’s me, Arthur. How do you like my new email address? I bet you didn’t expect me to send something after so long. But here I am!_ _  
_ _  
_ _There is so much I want to tell you._ _  
_ _  
_ _You know how everyone at the office is kind of hostile because they think I got in through nepotism? I’ve found someone who_ doesn’t _hate me. Her name is Gwen. She actually offered to help me when Cenred was being a pain in my arse. Every day when I come into work, she smiles at me, and she just genuinely doesn’t seem to care that I’m the son of the CEO._ _  
_ _  
_ _I’m thinking of bringing her coffee. I go to Starbucks every morning, anyway, so it’s not like I’d need to go out of my way to do it. It seems like the proper thing to do. What do you think? And don’t get all offended about her drinking coffee instead of tea. Coffee is the superior drink. Get over it._ _  
_ _  
_ _Oh, and I went to the zoo. I saw the giraffes! I can see why you like them. :) They are so peaceful that the rest of the world sort of seems to fall away. They are gigantic though. They could probably take over the world if they set their minds to it. Fingers crossed they don’t._ _  
_ _  
_ _And I think… I might have made a friend? I hope you were sitting down so you didn’t fall over out of shock. I’m not sure how it happened, to be honest. A couple of weeks ago this guy, Gwaine, offered me a drink and I made a total arse out of myself, thinking he was hitting on me. But let’s face it, this world is perturbingly heterosexual. You and me are the last gays standing. So, yesterday, I went to the pub, and guess who was there? Gwaine. I’m a bit worried about only ever encountering him in pubs, and during the middle of the day at that. (Don’t ask me what I was doing in a pub instead of at work. It’s a long story.) I bought him a beer to apologise, and he told me that alcohol was the way to his heart. So now I have his phone number? According to him, I just need to ring him up whenever I feel like it. Weirdly enough, I believe it._ _  
_ _  
_ _But enough about me._ _  
_ _  
_ _What have you been up to? How are you doing? How is school?_ _  
_ _  
_ _Weird question. Multiple questions, actually. Like very random. Do you happen to live in Camelot? Is your surname Emrys? Is your mother called Hunith?_ _  
_ _  
_ _I swear I haven’t been stalking you! In fact, I really hope that the answer to those questions is ‘no’. You have no idea how much I wish that._ _  
_ _  
_ _Please reply soon._ _  
_ _  
_ _I couldn’t bear it if you didn’t._ _  
_   
Arthur


End file.
